Archive for January, 2010

January the Twentyeighth

Today Monkey went hungry.  What mis-firing part of your dried out skull thought it was a good idea to invite Monkey to a lunch date consisting of cup-o-noodles?  You must lack completely the ability to learn from error.  Though the truly befuddling part is how you sat there, eating your peasant food while Monkey talked nonstop on how wonderful it was that the styrofoam kept the soup so bloody hot.  Even though he was not eating it!  At least the stains should wash out easy, once you are up and moving again.

Monkey suggests you use more aloe.


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January the Twentyseventh

Today Monkey tagged along for the ride.  Monkey, ever the explorer wiggled his way into an untrod nook this morning while you were grabbing your keys.  Imagine Monkey’s surprise when the cavern he had discovered began moving.  Remember your surprise when you went to the toilet during break?  Or the look on your boss’s face when he entered to find you with your hand down your pants doing God knows what?  If you had merely apologized on the spot you might have saved yourself.  However you pulled Monkey out to prove it wasn’t you, which kind of makes it your fault for what happened.  They say your boss, rather ex-boss, will be getting out of the hospital in a few days.  Don’t expect a reference though.

Monkey is giving you a referral.

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January the Twentysixth

Today Monkey enriched your life.  Who could have known that even the most inane stories of Monkey’s could cause you such a raucous uproar! Is this an example of the greatness, nay, genius of Monkey’s story telling, or of the utter dullness of your existence?  One not think long for the answer.  Lucky for you Monkey edited out the good bits, lest you pop a vein.

Monkey is here all week.

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January the Twentyfifth

Today Monkey laundered his bedding.  Monkey had turned his back for only a moment and that’s all it took for your little pup to sneak into Monkey’s space.  Just what was it your pooch was hoping to accomplish by pissing on Monkey’s bed?  Does she not understand the difference between alpha and alpha?  Enjoy your new, drastically shrunken world my k9 friend.  But despair not, you’ll be let out soon enough.

Monkey is in the mood for Korean tonight.

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January the Twentyfourth

Today Monkey reveled in the glory of it all.  If only you could rise up for a short moment and hold lightening in a bottle.  If you could feel the rush of pride, see the lofty heights of excellence.  Sadly, you cannot.  Your team, not that you even attended the school (or any school for that matter) you claim affinity for, has been mired in the swamps of mediocrity for years.  You think it’s a testament to your outstanding loyalty.  Monkey thinks it is further proof of your unwavering ability to fail.

Monkey is pointing at the scoreboard.

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January the Twentythird

Today Monkey was the bane of the PUCO.  What a chilly January Saturday you had laboring outside for such a small tuppence.  Lucky for you Monkey has your back, and in two ways!  Not only does he want to make sure you stay warm at night after suffering in the winter cold, but he’s also concerned over your bottom line.  Great thing Monkey can hack into pretty much anything.

Monkey says the smell is all in your head.

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January the Twentysecond

Today Monkey read a book.  An entire book.  And without the help of any dumb, gimmicky speed reading hoo-ha.  Monkey reads the likes of Alexis De Tocqueville with utter ease.  Understanding, critiquing and compartmentalizing it all faster than you can get though the Sunday funnies.  Which is made all the sadder by the fact you can’t even handle base vocabulary contained in their thought bubbles.  You are such an idiot.

Monkey is laughing at you.

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