Archive for the ‘Monkey’ Category

April the Twelfth

Today Monkey went no where in particular.  Waking up at 10am to find a deep azure sky Monkey made the bold decision to lay in, for another few hours.  Rolling out for an early one o’clock brunch at North Star Monkey was perplexed to find the establishment utterly over run with drones.  Faceless, lifeless, Pavlovian constructs busily mucking about in their meaningless, and thankfully short, existence.  Their existence?  Who are we kidding here…  your existence.  Why, you are just on your lunch break, and it is Monday after all, you offer as a weak defense to Monkey’s disdaining gaze.  Too late worker bee.  Monkey’s 25 second interaction with your rat race has broken his mood and while you head back to the office, at the beginning of yet another soul crushing week, it’s Monkey that will be recharging his batteries.

Monkey pooped in your flower bed.


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March the Twentyseventh

Today Monkey went to the opening match.  This year the opening was played against the strong Toronto FC side.  Of course by strong Monkey means pathetic, a disgrace, black stain on the already foul milquetoast image that Ontario infects on the rest of the world.  One wonders why anyone would use a Toronto FC kit for anything other than it’s intended purpose, wiping the oily sludge out from under the fingernails of ex-con quickie lube workers.  Yet lo, and be hold Monkey sees you people over in the corner and sure enough, you are wearing the damn things.  Have you escaped a mental institution?  Lose a bet that would have seen you gain peerage had you won?  It can’t be that actually are a Toronto FC supporter.  Does such a thing exist?  Yet, here you are, sullying Monkey’s fine day with your blithering idiocy.  So, go on, cheer for your doomed boys and be sure to enjoy that long dark bus ride home where you will have plenty of time to contemplate yet another lose to the Crew.

Monkey is waiting for you in the parking lot.

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January the Twentyeighth

Today Monkey went hungry.  What mis-firing part of your dried out skull thought it was a good idea to invite Monkey to a lunch date consisting of cup-o-noodles?  You must lack completely the ability to learn from error.  Though the truly befuddling part is how you sat there, eating your peasant food while Monkey talked nonstop on how wonderful it was that the styrofoam kept the soup so bloody hot.  Even though he was not eating it!  At least the stains should wash out easy, once you are up and moving again.

Monkey suggests you use more aloe.

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January the Twentyseventh

Today Monkey tagged along for the ride.  Monkey, ever the explorer wiggled his way into an untrod nook this morning while you were grabbing your keys.  Imagine Monkey’s surprise when the cavern he had discovered began moving.  Remember your surprise when you went to the toilet during break?  Or the look on your boss’s face when he entered to find you with your hand down your pants doing God knows what?  If you had merely apologized on the spot you might have saved yourself.  However you pulled Monkey out to prove it wasn’t you, which kind of makes it your fault for what happened.  They say your boss, rather ex-boss, will be getting out of the hospital in a few days.  Don’t expect a reference though.

Monkey is giving you a referral.

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January the Twentysixth

Today Monkey enriched your life.  Who could have known that even the most inane stories of Monkey’s could cause you such a raucous uproar! Is this an example of the greatness, nay, genius of Monkey’s story telling, or of the utter dullness of your existence?  One not think long for the answer.  Lucky for you Monkey edited out the good bits, lest you pop a vein.

Monkey is here all week.

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January the Twentyfifth

Today Monkey laundered his bedding.  Monkey had turned his back for only a moment and that’s all it took for your little pup to sneak into Monkey’s space.  Just what was it your pooch was hoping to accomplish by pissing on Monkey’s bed?  Does she not understand the difference between alpha and alpha?  Enjoy your new, drastically shrunken world my k9 friend.  But despair not, you’ll be let out soon enough.

Monkey is in the mood for Korean tonight.

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January the Twentyfourth

Today Monkey reveled in the glory of it all.  If only you could rise up for a short moment and hold lightening in a bottle.  If you could feel the rush of pride, see the lofty heights of excellence.  Sadly, you cannot.  Your team, not that you even attended the school (or any school for that matter) you claim affinity for, has been mired in the swamps of mediocrity for years.  You think it’s a testament to your outstanding loyalty.  Monkey thinks it is further proof of your unwavering ability to fail.

Monkey is pointing at the scoreboard.

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