February the Nineteenth

Today Monkey put you in your place.  Normally Monkey takes his time playing pool, enjoying the camaraderie of friends and a few pints of bitter.  Things however, when a little differently with you.  This is of course, all your fault, for you see, Monkey heard you say to your little lackey, “I’m going to own these choads tonight”.  Are you now?  Well Monkey hopes you are keen enough to understand that he missed on the 8, after running the table from the break, just to screw with you.  Let you hold out just a glimmer of hope before ending your evening at a less than impressive 0-1.  Go for the win or play defensive, just be sure to leaving as the 8 enters the pocket.  This is Monkey’s table, he may as well have pissed on it.

After all, he did piss on you.


February the Tenth

Today Monkey ran out to get a couple of bottles of PlumpJack’s ’06 Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon.  While on his little trip Monkey had the sorry misfortune to pass by none other than you.  Monkey does appreciate the time and effort you have spent on your lumpy, drab dress that would no doubt have hidden you like a ghillie suit had you not been standing in front of a red box.  Your attempt to go unnoticed, while a complete failure, is welcome.  However, having noticed, Monkey would like to make you aware of several things.  First, that machine does not, in fact, dispense husbands so you might as well just head into the grocery store to try to fill the emptiness in your soul.  Also, you should consider trying Netflix.  You can pass away the dry hours of your life on Hollywood drivel without even having to leave the comfort of your windowless basement flat.  This will help ensure Monkey never lay eyes on you again. In fact…

Monkey is signing you up.

February the Sixth

Today Monkey went to the bank.  What’s that?  Oh don’t worry, you’ll never need to know what a bank is.  And along that note Monkey would like you to know that he sees you out there.  Out there struggling to get on your feet, shivering in the bitter cold, awaiting the brief paradise that is the tepid stale warmth of the city bus.  Sure, comfortable self-righteous, well-educated nouveaux citadins have a tendency to cast a noble light on bus, but you know better.  The city bus is your constant companion as you move about a grey existence that is punctuated only, by the thought, “Is today the day a bum vomits on me…  again”.  Monkey sees you, and takes a moment from adjusting the heated seat to give you a nod and a smile.  A smile that seems to say, “Buck up friend, while the cold stings the bus will surely be along soon”.

Unless you need the #6.  Monkey ran that one, off the road a few blocks back.

January the Twentyeighth

Today Monkey went hungry.  What mis-firing part of your dried out skull thought it was a good idea to invite Monkey to a lunch date consisting of cup-o-noodles?  You must lack completely the ability to learn from error.  Though the truly befuddling part is how you sat there, eating your peasant food while Monkey talked nonstop on how wonderful it was that the styrofoam kept the soup so bloody hot.  Even though he was not eating it!  At least the stains should wash out easy, once you are up and moving again.

Monkey suggests you use more aloe.

January the Twentyseventh

Today Monkey tagged along for the ride.  Monkey, ever the explorer wiggled his way into an untrod nook this morning while you were grabbing your keys.  Imagine Monkey’s surprise when the cavern he had discovered began moving.  Remember your surprise when you went to the toilet during break?  Or the look on your boss’s face when he entered to find you with your hand down your pants doing God knows what?  If you had merely apologized on the spot you might have saved yourself.  However you pulled Monkey out to prove it wasn’t you, which kind of makes it your fault for what happened.  They say your boss, rather ex-boss, will be getting out of the hospital in a few days.  Don’t expect a reference though.

Monkey is giving you a referral.

January the Twentysixth

Today Monkey enriched your life.  Who could have known that even the most inane stories of Monkey’s could cause you such a raucous uproar! Is this an example of the greatness, nay, genius of Monkey’s story telling, or of the utter dullness of your existence?  One not think long for the answer.  Lucky for you Monkey edited out the good bits, lest you pop a vein.

Monkey is here all week.

January the Twentyfifth

Today Monkey laundered his bedding.  Monkey had turned his back for only a moment and that’s all it took for your little pup to sneak into Monkey’s space.  Just what was it your pooch was hoping to accomplish by pissing on Monkey’s bed?  Does she not understand the difference between alpha and alpha?  Enjoy your new, drastically shrunken world my k9 friend.  But despair not, you’ll be let out soon enough.

Monkey is in the mood for Korean tonight.